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There's a conspiracy theory that there are no such things as conspiracy theories.
There's another that says that everything is a conspiracy and we are mere pawns in a massive game with absolutely no control over our own lives. Here's a few of the more popular ones......
1. US Government and aliens. Area 51 at Roswell is well known as the location of a crashed alien spaceship and it's where the USA government is keeping alien bodies.... and possibly live ones. Anyone been there?
2. President Kennedy was assassinated by the CIA or the FBI because he was too liberal, likely to deal with Castro, or just too promiscuous. Lee Harvey Oswald was a stooge, didn't actually fire the killing shot, or a pure coincidence. Jack Ruby was hired by the CIA or FBI to kill Oswald in case he talked. Ruby died soon after of cancer, so he wasn't a threat.
3. The world is really ruled by lizards disguised as people. Sometimes I can believe that one, especially about bankers. David Icke popularised this and maintains the British royal family are lizards.
4. A secret world government made up of billionaires is really in charge. This is an extension of the Illuminati in the Da Vinci Code. Again bankers come to mind!
5. 9 / 11 was really masterminded by the US government. Could be, but there would have been cheaper and just as effective ways of making a point and trying to blame a terror group.
6. The moon landings were faked. All sorts of "proofs" have been put forward, like the mirror image in the spaceman's visor.... but no sign of a camera (it was on his hip all the time) and the flag is seen to be rippling (in a still photo?). Were the other man landings on the moon also false? If so, an amazing number of people have kept very quiet for a very long time.
7. Jesus and Mary Magdalene got married and started a dynasty that still exists. The Da Vinci Code again, plus another books from the same publisher. Interestingly, they sued each other and got massive publicity as a result. Cynical.... me?
8. The Holocaust never happened. A popular theory among some people of a certain type in spite of the abundance of proof, including very definitive paperwork by the Nazis.
9. The CIA developed HIV / AIDS to wipe out homosexuals and Black Afro-Americans. Unlikely as AIDS came from Africa.
10. Paul McCartney is dead. "Paul is dead. Miss him. Miss him" is supposed to be recorded backwards and is on one their LP's... Revolver I think. On Abbey Road Paul is out of step with the others as they cross the road and is the only one not wearing shoes, or socks. The theory is he was a double drafted in after Paul died. Finding an absolute dead ringer who has incredible musical talents and an identical voice and accent who is accepted by all his family is pretty darned lucky!
11. Global Warming / Climate Change is an excuse for governments to increase taxes and controls. That's absolutely true, though climate change is a fact. Of course it is! The climate will always be changing, whether Man exists or not. In fact Mount St Helen's belched out more CO2 and hydrocarbons in a few days than Man has burped out in all the years we've been around. Another thing. Polar bears actually prefer fishing from ice floes because it gives them a 360 degree view of the water. They're excellent swimmers, so the iconic shot of a polar bear "trapped" on a floe is designed to perpetuate a myth.
12. Fluoride is actually a poison put in water by governments to control the population. Fluoride was actually given to prisoners in Nazi concentration camps to subjugate them and eventually kill them.
13. Shakespeare didn't write his plays, or even may not have existed at all. We know very little about Shakespeare, except that he spelled his name 16 different ways and still managed to write 30 odd plays and countless sonnets.
14. Elvis faked his own death and is still alive. Of course he is, though why he'd want to serve burgers, or fish and chips (depending which country you're in) beats me.
15. Diana was assassinated by the UK secret services on instruction from the Monarchy. That one will never go away as long as Dodi's Dad is still alive. He's adamant that Diana and Dodi were planning to get married and that Diana was pregnant. That never came out in the autopsy!
16. The Malaysian aircraft that was lost in the Indian Ocean was in fact the same plane as the one shot down in the Ukraine. Clever stuff, that one! A bit unlikely. However, just as unlikely is the theory that the first plane didn't crash into the sea, but landed safely in the jungle somewhere and will be used in a terror attach similar to 9/11.
17 The following have been invented and then stifled by big corporations:
a) The everlasting razor blade (Gillette). No pyramid required.
b) The car tyre that seals itself (Dunlop). Dunlop have their own version that seals for a very limited time, like "get you home", then it's buy another one.
c) The common cold cure (various drug companies). Think of the billions drug companies make from peddling headache pills and powders, cough mixtures and other placebos. Thay'd lose the lot.
d) The engine that will run on water (oil companies). Same goes as for drug companies.
e) The everlasting light bulb (Osram). Same goes for drug and oil companies.
f) Subliminal advertising (Coca Cola). Apparently it was tried when US advertisers put up one frame in a film showing a man in a desert dying of thirst saying "I want a Coke". Legend has it that half the cinema got up and bought a Coke. In fact no one did, and subliminal advertising was proven not to work.
18 Every theory is a conspiracy theory, including all conspiracy theories.
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Firstly, please join my blog by pressing the "join this site" button on the right hand side of the blog. Once you've done that, please read on! Actually, doing it the other way round will also be fine!
Whenever I watch TV quiz shows the one phrase that really gets my goat is "Oh, I don't know that. It was before my time". Even on the more cerebral shows like Eggheads and University Challenge it's the accepted answer given by the teens and twentysomethings. At least the "older" generation tries to guess before getting the answer wrong.
Education today seems to largely ignore the realities of History and the necessities of basic mathematics, while Grammar and Spelling are optional. Geography is more concerned with politics than land masses and sex education for 5 year olds is now proposed for the National Curriculum. No wonder kids can't read maps, get lost and have no idea what they're being charged in shops. I know one person (no names!) who gave Jordan as the capital of Israel in a game of Trivial Pursuits. Her playing partner agreed!
However the answers below are actual answers given in exams by 17 year olds and show that kids can actually be highly inventive, even though they may be thick and ignorant! I've left the spelling unchanged.
They come courtesy of a good friend of mine whom I went to school with more than 45 years ago, and if we'd given answers like these..... well, we wouldn't! Incidentally he still holds the school record for 880 yards and the Mile, and as they'll never be run again, he always will be the champion!
1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and travelled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
2. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guiness, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, “Am I my brother’s son?”
3. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
4. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
5. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn’t have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
6. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
7. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
8. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the Java.
9. Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.
10. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: “Tee hee, Brutus.”
11. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
12. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonised by Bernard Shaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offence.
13. In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.
14. Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son’s head.
15. Queen Elizabeth was the “Virgin Queen.” As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted “hurrah.”
16. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.
17. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo’s last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
18. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
19. During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.
20. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim’s Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
21. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, “A horse divided against itself cannot stand.”. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
22. Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
23. Abraham Lincoln became America’s greatest Precedent. Lincoln’s mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theatre and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth’s career.
24. Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.
25. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.
26. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large.
27. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
28. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn’t have any children.
29. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire’s in the East and the sun sets in the West.
30. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.
Blog on, Dudes!
Firstly, please join my blog by pressing the "join this site" button on the right hand side of the blog. Once you've done that, please read on!
Looking back over a year that's just finished it's always easy to think of events that were sad, or lacked any form of positive element.
Those tend to be major international news happenings, such as the disappearance of two planes in Asia with the loss of all on board and the massacres of innocent civilians by the monstrous Islamic State fanatics.
Humour is therefore where you find it and tends to be personal and in the eye of the beholder.
Television depended on farting, illegal sex and bad language for its laughs in 2014, with very few exceptions. It's no wonder therefore that digital channels such as Bravo, Gold and Dave are getting great viewing figures by showing repeats of Fawlty Towers, Vicar of Dibley, Steptoe & Son, Porridge and Only Fools & Horses. Even the BBC made a new series of Open All Hours Still, realising the gap they'd created. The Bishop of Dibley, Back in Porridge, Steptoe & Grandson and probably Fawlty Hancock will all follow at some point. The trouble is they'll all star James Condon, because the BBC never really likes taking a risk!
So what made me laugh?
Walking through Southampton main street the number of people who bumped into me because they were texting on their mobile phones was amazing! Very few were talking which might have been acceptable, but just looking at a tiny screen while bouncing off people like a snooker ball is rude and hilarious, especially when they mumble an apology and then do it again seconds later.
Bankers who a year, or two ago were guilty of what amounted to fraud with PPI misselling, rigging LIBOR rates, forcing small business into bankruptcy so they could seize the assets at a profit etc etc are now back earning (?) million pound salaries and bonuses as though nothing has happened. TSB are advertising how trustworthy they are, just as they're in the process of paying a massive fine and facing the prospect of another. Co-op Bank is in freefall as the "ethical" bank whose Chairman resigned because he was a drug addict who liked rent boys. It also transpired that he knew absolutely nothing about banking and had no idea of the size of the assets his bank had! Lloyds continue to invite people to join them for "the journey".... over a cliff. They missold like all the others and also trapped mortgage customers into having endowments to pay off their mortgages "which would also give them a nice lump sum for their retirement". Now those endowments are way short of repaying the mortgages, let alone providing a nice nest egg, and Lloyds are actually asking people how they intend to make up the short-fall. CUSTOMERS HAVE TO MAKE UP THE SHORT-FALL FOR THE BANK'S INCOMPETENCE TO INVEST PROPERLY! People will be forced to sell their houses and live their retirements in poverty, just so the banks can show a healthy profit. Sod the poor customer.
Meanwhile the bankers drive Porches and party with our money!
You have to laugh!
I had so many calls from a company phoning "on behalf of Microsoft" it became routine to answer the calls. They wanted to remotely take over control of my computer because they had detected a virus that they could eliminate for me. So kind, although of course they actually would have downloaded a virus onto my computer and grabbed all my confidential data, such as bank details. I actually looked forward to the calls and answered them as follows:
1. "This is a top secret government establishment and your location has been detected and has been transmitted to your country's secret service. They should be with you in about 5 minutes. Do not hang up". Click
2. On being asked if my computer is on, they ask if I could open a window. I reply that I have and they ask what I can see. I reply that I can see trees, people walking past and my neighbour mowing his grass. Click.
3. Sometimes when they've asked me to go to my computer I agree to, put the phone down on the table and leave them to wonder where I am for the next 15 minutes. After all they're paying for the call. Click
4. I've often pretended I can't understand them and start talking in Franglais with Germanic overtones. Click.
Word may have got round because I haven't had a call for some weeks now.... not even from Microsoft!
Watching quiz programmes on TV the words "that was before my time" are uttered so often as an excuse for knowing nothing, it makes me wonder whatever happened to History? Even so-called celebrities show their ignorance on anything that happened before they were born, which either shows a lack of education, or a totally massive ego! Laugh? I nearly started! Having said that I do love watching quizzes such as Pointless, Eggheads, Mastermind and University Challenge. Monday night is bliss night when they follow one after the other!
Since smoking in pubs was banned and restaurants, I (as a reformed smoker of many years standing) find that if someone lights up an eCigarette I actually bristle with indignation. A very few years ago I would have been smoking with the best of them, so it just goes to show that government legislation has the power to manipulate people and change their mindsets. Laughable really after what we say about politicians!
Publicising things like books on social network sites is seen as being the Holy Grail of marketing by some authors. I have to admit I do it occasionally because that's what my publisher says to do. However I can't help thinking that bombarding Facebook friends, other Facebook Groups, Linkedin contacts and Twitter followers with a never-ending invite to read / buy / review my books is counter-productive and actually loses sales and (more importantly) friends.
Talking of my publisher and social networking. Most of their communication with their authors is via Facebook and occasionally by email... rarely if ever by phone. It's rather ironic therefore that the two owners both "unfriended" me in 2014 for having an opinion which I expressed in private. I explained to them later that the opinion was actually positive, but I remain a pariah on Facebook as far as they're concerned and I therefore can't see their posts, but of course they can't see mine.
I was actually also unfriended by two other authors belonging to my publisher. One who asked me to find out some information from a mutual friend, but when I got it she didn't like what she heard and unfriended me for knowing it! The other unfriended me when he accused me of being a Nazi for not having heard of Britain First.
Once again.... you have to laugh!
Here's to fun and games in 2015!
Blog on, Dudes!
