Friday, 27 September 2013

A letter from W Shakespeare

Yo Fans,

Coming up to me birfday, guys, and me deafday too.... but we won't talk 'bout dat! Just givin' advance warnin' on de prezzies! An' I is also hearing dat to mark de great occasion dey got dis fing and callin' it World Book Night 2014. Great title, 'cos it says it all really! It's right round de world, it's 'bout books, it's at night and it's dis year on me birfday!

So as it's only just over a week to de big day I fought I'd write dis, 'cos this is me first open letter to all intelligent community guys what reads me poems (dey is called sonnets for some reason) and me plays. Respeck, innit!

Next week de writer guy what owns dis blog is putting out a question and answer fing 'e just done wiv me. First one I done for 450 years - give or take - and he got some shock-horror probe info 'bout yours sincerely. Wow, like der's stuff even I didn't know. Dat's 'ow good it is! Like I never been to Stratford on de Avon and Anne Hatherway was never me woman. Blimey, de Angelina Jolie is more to my cuppa Typhoo, but I gotta say she sang a treat in Les Mis.

I got to finking me fans might want to know more than the writer bloke done ask, 'cos I is an interesting guy with a past that could sell some serious Sunday rags. Honest! And I is prepared to blow de trumpet for a smallish contribution to de Save De Bard fund. So let's get on de startin' line.

I was happy  bein' Jack de Lad in Stratford, North London. I had dis little stall down de market selling bits and bobs (nothin' hookey, honest, Guv!) and W Shakespeare Enterprises was doi' nicely wiv de local ladies. Life was pretty damn good I tellin' you. Den dese guys from de Big City stopped by me stall and stared me in the eye fit to bust a gut. 'ullo, it's de special Fuzz, I fought, but dey said dey was talent scouts. At last, I fought out loud, de Arsenal footy club has recognised de talent in der midst, but dey said NO! So it must be Chelsea, I said. No not even de Tottenham place. Dey tole me dey ran a feater called de Globe where plays was done pretty well every night. To keep up wiv de demand dey'd got dis sorta factory wiv loads of guys quilling away like crazy an' dey was doin' a pretty damn good job... 'cept de men needed a name. "Written by lots of Guys wiv Quills" just wasn't goin' to crack it, so they made up de name of William Shakespeare and dat was fine wiv der punters until dey decided dey wanted to see de man himself. Problem big time for de talented scouting guys!

Solution - come and see de real W Shakespeare in Stratford and make me de offer I can't refuse..... money, wimmin and more money. Definitely no horse's head inna bed an' fings! Yeh, a bit of fame as well. I was tempted, I gotta say, and after 'bout ten seconds I signed on de dotted wossname. De men fitted me up wiv super cool freads and a two up / two down wiv a fatched roof an' all. Dey even made up dis woman, Anne Hathaway, wot I never met and told de punters I was a hick from some place up Norf on de river Avon. At least I got 'em to make it Stratford on de Avon. Probably a nice place.

Anyway, so de guys woz quilling away like crazy and de punters was callin' out "Aufer, aufer!" and I'd come out and grab de applause and any money dey slung on de stage, plus a few veggies for de stew. It was good for a time, den I started quillin' me own stuff and you know wot? I woz good at de fing! But I didn't want to do de boring bit, so I fought of all de ideas for de plays and that, and de guys quilled de words on de paper. Worked well too. But den all these people started saying dat de Shakespeare plays woz written by someone other dan de man himself, and probably lots of guys. I ask you! Dey even said dis bloke called Bacon did some. Don't know wot dey was talkin' 'bout, 'cos he invented de frozen chicken. Never 'eard of 'im as a scribbler!

So, dat's de  blast of de trumpet and I wrote it all myself. No faceless guys penning away dis time. So go and 'ave a good time and see one of de plays wot I wrote like Macbeth, one of me best comedies. Well, it makes me laugh! Den 'ave a butchers at dis guy's blog next week for me interview, an' a bit of gos 'bout de World Book Night.


W Shakespeare esq.

Blog on, Dudes, innit!


  1. Haha, dear Will, I think you need to lie down. You've been afflicted like that lady who woke up speaking Chinese, except you've woken up speaking Italian Gangsta. Try a cup of chamomile tea, works for me.

    1. Wow! What is you sayin? Liz One and even 'er ol' man 'enery 8 spoke like dis. Dat's why when dey all went to de States back in de Puritan days, from den on all de Americans done speak like dis.You is de posh bird, ackshurly! Not meanin' dat in de nasty way, you is understandin', 'cos I like de way you is talkin' and you is obviously a fan. Yo!

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