MY WONDERS OF THE WORLD

MY WONDERS OF THE WORLD!

Over the years I've been to 47 countries round the world, both on holiday and on business. I've seen many of what are considered to be "must see" sights, but I've seen many more that I considered to be either even more stunning or of greater interest. See what you think.


- The view from The Victoria Peak in Hong Kong - From the observation platform on the highest point of Hong Kong you can see right round the island and on days when there's no mist you can actually see the various towns laid out far below. Unfortunately the mist and humidity in Hong Kong makes it rare for there to be a clear view.



- The Worms Head in S. Wales - The Worms Head is a mile long outcrop on the Gower Peninsular that is only 100 feet wide It is a series of three linked rocky promentaries with the last being a rearing stack. The three look like a dragon arching its back and rearing its head and neck. The word worm is a corruption of the viking Wyrm, meaning dragon. A causeway links the Head and the mainland, but is only accessible for 5 hours either side of the tides and has proved fatal to those who linger. The sunset over the Worm's Head and the Bristol Channel is reportedly one of the most 
beautiful in the world.

- Elephanta Island Bombay - About an hour by ferry from Bombay harbour is an series of islands, the most interesting of which is Elephanta. The throng of ornament seller are far from annoying and the items they sell are beautifully made, ranging from exquisite iny elephants to beautifully made carved boxes. Strangely, there are no elephants on the island, however a climb to the top of a small hill reveals wonderful stone carvings thousands of years old, cut into caves and the rock face.


- Colca Canyon of the Condors in Peru - Peru is famous for Machu Picchu, however one of the most awe-inspiring sights is Colca Canyon, the second deepest canyon in the world. The deepest is also in Peru and is nearly twive the depth of the Grand Canyon. Just after dawn, as the heat thermals begin to rise from the valley floor, the Condors slowly rise, using the thermals for lift. Condors are a type of vulture, are the largest land bird and their wing span is more than 10 feet. The sight of them rising is nothing short of majestic.


- Symi Island - The island is a two hour boat ride from Rhodes and is an island of two parts and eras. The first, where the ferry drops you is on the older side of the island. A walk up the twisting road to the island's hilly summit passes old, undisturbed farms and houses, many of which still have bullet pock-marks from the German invasion. Eerything is quiet and heavy. As you walk down the other side of the island the atmosphere seems to lighten and the harbour village is bustling with tourists and cafes

- Ancient Kamiros on Rhodes - On the North coast of Rhodes is a an area of cleared woodland that hides the ruins of  a Doric town called Kamiros. Discovered in 1929, excavations continued until the Second World War. The area is on a par with Pompei, but has the added advantage of being relatively unknown. When I went there my wife and I were the only visitors and the old man at the entrance nearly fell off his chair when we turned up. He eventually woke up enough to try to sell us decades old sepia post cards.




- Pere Le Chaise Cemetry - Paris has a number central cemeteries, but by far the most interesting is Pere Le Chaisel Built like a small town with rodas and little houses, there is very little grass, but plenty of trees and shrubs that make it a pleasant and far from spooky place. Residents include Oscar Wilde, Jim Morrison of The Doors, Edith Piaf, Eloise and Abellard, Marat, Marshall Petain and Chopin. Good company!


- The Little Mermaid in Copenhagen - Immortalised by Hans Christian Anderson, the little mermaid stands on a an incline of rocks at the mouth of Copenhagen harbour. At 2 feet high it's easy to miss from the sea and isn't visible from the land, but when you see it, you understand why the Danes make such a fuss about it.





- Mount Evasion in Scotland -Mount Evasion is on the Knoydart Peninsluar. From the main road at the start of the peninsular there's a track for 10 miles that ends at a deserted farmhouse and after that a walk for a further 15 miles to the center of the peninsular and Moubr Evasion. It's not that the mountain is difficult to climb (there are difficult routes as in all mountains and this is mostly a stiff walk) it's the fact that the center of the mountain is the most remote place in the UK. It's around 25 miles to the nearest habitation and slightly more than that to the village of Moydart at the far end of the peninsular, The pub in Moydart used to be owned by the brother of the chief distiller of the company that makes the special whisleys for the House of Commons and the Queen. The odd case would find its way to Moydart (allegedly!) and very few people can confirm it was the smoothest dram they ever tasted!



- Wenceslas Cathedral in Prague - The cathedral is vast and typically monumental, however its greatest treasure is the Black Statue of Christ. I was there on business and my host told me the following story. When the Germans invaded Prague, the church managed to hide many of its greatest treasures, however the staue of Christ made of gold was too heavy and large to be able to hide it in the time available. They hit on the idea  of painting the statue with thick black paint and leaving it in full view. The Germans ignored it and it still remains on public view as the Black Statue of Christ.




- Petra in Jordan - Petra is no secret, though not as much visited as its fame would suggest. The deep winding canyon path that takes you to the start of the city ends at the Treasury (famous as the building in Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade). Everyone says "Wow!" as they turn the corner and see the Treasury for the first time. Guides will take you to the main touristy and easily reached parts of Petra, but if you can get away, there are parts of Petra that are far more fascinating and if you have the time, more remote. I've been there three times for a day each time and always find it totally absorbing and awe-inspiring However I've heard that the price for a day ticket has soared to £75 since Petra became a World |Heritage Site. Very strangly



- St Catherine's church in Egypt - Perched in a valley half way up Mount Sinai is a monastery, inside of which is a tiny church in which the skeleton of St Catherine is kept in two silver caskets. Reputedly the monastery fell on hard times and the monks prayed one night and were told by God to go to the top of the mountain where they would find the remains of St Catherine who had been martyred by the Romans on the Wheel as a young girl. The monks found the skeleton and brought it back to the monastery, changing the name to that of the saint. Their fortunes also changed for the better. The only part of the skeleton on view is a finger bone on the basis of which someone estimated Catherine was more than 7 feet tall. Not bad in those days for a young girl!

- Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam - Far from being a sterile communist city, Saigon (renamed Ho Chi Minh City) is a cosmopolitan, vibrant place with less military and police presence than many countries I've visited. The food is a cross between Chinese, India and Thai and the prices are incredibly low. A friend and I had a multi-course meal with a special iced coconut desert and beers for less than $10. If you visit the HMC market look out for the polo shirts. They're, not copies, they're real (from the factory backdoor) and what would cost you £80 in the UK is $6 in the market...less if you buy in volume. You can also buy beautilly made wooden model sailing ships. I saw one of the Cutty Sark that had all the rigging and sails and was perfect in avery detail. at over 2 feet in length it would have been around £300 to £400 in the UK. I asked how much it was and the stall-holder seeing I was a tourist increased his price to $25, but quickly bargained down to $15. I was very tempted, but I'd never have got it home. Incidentally the same polo shirts are available in Bangko market for the same low prices.




- The Northern Lights - I've never actually seen them except from a plane flying back from America I also know several people who took cruises into the Arctic Circle, but never saw them. They have been visible as far south as England in certain conditions, but wherever you are they must be a phenomenal sight.

And you? What are your wonders of the world?

Blog on, Dudes!

A Publishing Update!

A PUBLISHING  UPDATE!

Some ten years ago I started writing a book.... and NO, this is not a plug!

It was roughly based on a stage show I co-wrote (partly!) with Terry Pratchett and as its main characters it had Merlin, Arthur and some of the wizard's apprentices, as well as her sister. 

Naturally, as seems to always be the case, the book was far too long at more than 400 pages and needed serious attention! JK Rawling was told her first book was too long at 500 pkus pages and cried when she had to eliminate great irrelevant (she admitted) chunk!

To my amazement I managed to be taken on by an agent, whose name I won't mention, though I doubt if she would mind. She taught me so many things about writing, both as a craft and what would be necessary to captivate her and subsequently a publisher. For a start I had reduce the size of the book by 50% which is never easy and meant eliminating quite a few characters and several scenes I thought absolutely essential to the plot and brilliantly written. It was also her that told me that she (and most agents) receive 40 submissions from hopeful authors every week. She reckons to take on 1 or 2 new clients every year, as do most agents. The odds on getting published at that rate are roughly 1,500 to 1. Suddenly the National ottery looks promising
!

Not good, when as an author you've got the best story ever and a wonderful way of telling it! The slush pile is enormous!

Unfortunately that agent and I split, but we remain good friends.

After some years rewriting, editing and honing Leap of Faith I contacted Caleb Mason, a long-standing member of the publishing industry, who had recently started a new venture in America called Publerati. The intention was to act as an ePublisher for books and also act as agent for the author with a view to traditional publishing after creating a groundswell of positive opinion. After careful consideration he agreed to represent me in all facets of his company.

Caleb took me on as his client at the beginning of last year and we started working together.

After much thought and negotiation Crooked Cat Publishing agreed to publish Leap of Faith world-wide as both an eBook and a paperback.  This means that at last because of Crooked Cat and Caleb Mason I've achieved a goal of many years standing.

Being an author is hard graft and overnight success takes years, but it's fun and the end-result can be so fulfilling, thanks to people like Caleb and Crooked Cat!

Blog on, Dudes!

Iain Pattison

MY INTERVIEW WITH IAIN PATTISON

My guest tonight is a Scottish author, competition judge, creative writing tutor, journalist, speaker and script doctor. Blimey! 

His short stories have been widely published around the world in both magazines and radio. Now living in Birmingham, Iain also critiques short stories, novels and plays for a national appraisal service and runs workshops on the secrets of selling sizzling short fiction and winning competitions. So it’s not difficult to see why his latest collection Is That A Pun In Your Pocket? 21 Short Stories To Tickle Your Fancy is going to be such a success. 

Iain, it’s a pleasure to be talking to you this evening, especially as I understand that like me you’re a fan of Terry Pratchett. You don’t happen to be a fan of Bernard Cornwell as well by any chance?

Actually, yes, I’m a massive fan. My wife and I spent some time in Boston in 2011, learning all about the history of the American War of Independence and I came straight back and bought The Fort – Bernard’s brilliant account of an ill-fated mission by 41 American ships to try to dislodge 150 British soldiers who’d set up a fort in Massachusetts in 1779. The book was mesmerizingly good – and helped to debunk some of the legends we’d been told about the heroes of the Revolution, especially Paul Revere.

I totally agrre. He's a hero of mine and was very forthcoming when I interviewed him about a month ago. Let’s talk about your new book and then after the plug we’ll get down to finding out about you and why you’re known as “the man with the golden pun”!

Sounds good. Well, let’s get the hard-sell bit out of the way first. Is That A Pun In Your Pocket? is a collection of my (hopefully) funniest short stories – described by one reviewer as “riotously comic” and another as “A Feast of Fun”. They include comp winners, stories broadcast on Radio 4 and tales that have appeared in various anthologies and magazines. I like to think of it as a “Greatest Hits” album but readers may take the view it’s better described as “Grating Hits.”

The stories vary from the slapstick to the droll, and I think it’s an eclectic mix. I hope it showcases all the different comedic styles and techniques I use to raise a chuckle. 

It sounds like an ideal mix. Although your short stories have appeared in 24 anthologies (I counted them!), I think I’m right in saying this is the first collection solely of your own stories. Is this something you intended?

Most definitely. I’ve wanted to do a book purely of my own humorous material for some time now – not just to raise my profile (although that’s useful) but to see how well they could dovetail together.  I wanted to bring together more thoughtful wry smile stories, with belly laugh comedy, and wicked satirical digs so that the reader never knows quite which style the next story will have. I’m thrilled with how it’s turned out, I hope others agree.

I’m particularly pleased to be able to give a second airing to many of these tales. Often short stories have too fleeting a shelf life – especially once they’ve won a comp and appeared on the organiser’s website for a few months, perhaps read by very few. They’re effectively dead after that. This is my bid to give them a chance for a longer life.

I understand what you mean, Iain. You’re really well-known for writing humorous stories. Do you find it easier to write satirical and offbeat tales rather than dramatic prose?

Easier – no. More fun – yes, certainly. I do write straight stories (I like to think I can do a neat line in tearjerkers when required) but it’s the comedy that really gets my motor revving. I think humour is much more difficult to get just right and I love the challenge. But even in a funny story I always aim for a dramatic storyline. There must be a gripping narrative at the heart of the action – it can’t afford to be only an assortment of gags. It needs believable characters, real jeopardy and tension, and a plotline that intrigues.

I agree, otherwise you've written a sketch show. Sarcasm is supposed to be the lowest form of wit, but also the cleverest. Personally I love well constructed puns. Do you have a preference?

I love all forms of word play. As long as it doesn’t sneer or demonstrate mean spiritedness, any form of comedic writing works for me. It can be risqué, sharp edged or just plain fun.

I’ve always loved puns – I think it might go back to listening to those brilliant BBC radio comedy shows like Round The Horne. I’m thrilled when someone can twist words round in a clever way and produce an unexpected joke – like a magician pulling a rabbit from a hat.

Puns can be ingenious and thoughtful – a wise man should be able to tell friend from faux. Or just warm and engaging – so many cook books, so little thyme.

But they must be witty and original. I’m a big admirer of Tim Vine  - his puns and one-liners border on genius  - and I hope mine show just a smidgeon of that same cleverness. But unlike a stand-up comedian who can rattle them out, I have to use my word play sparingly and to best effect in my stories.

Rambling Sid Rumpo and other Horne charaters are classics. I’m curious – who was it first christened you The Man With The Golden Pun?

Ah, that actually pre-dates my fiction writing career. I worked as a journalist for 23 years and during my time as a headline writer my colleagues gave me the nickname. I think they meant it as a compliment!

Evolving the plot and characters for a one novel is hard enough, but as a prolific short story writer how do you think up so many plots, stories and twists? And funny ones at that?

I know this will make people hate me, but ideas and plot twists come easily to me. I have at least six story ideas every day. I put it down to my years in newspapers where I had to generate my own article ideas and fill acres of space. I also have a quirky mind that is constantly churning over famous sayings and reworking them. I can’t switch off.

Other people might see a sign that says: DO NOT FEED THE BEARS, I see a sign that says DO NOT FEED THE BARES and immediately gives me a mental picture of a protest outside the opening of a nudist colony restaurant!

Some may say it’s a gift – but probably one that’ll end up on eBay.

Somehow I doubt it, though the auction should be interesting! Do you ever write from life experiences?

Strangely, no. People are always saying to me: “you should use this or that incident in your next story” but I never do. Partly it’s because many of the tales I write have exotic or unusual settings, often with a fantastical element. But mostly it’s because my writing is about offering the reader escapism. Real life is just a little dull.

My life is certainly duller than most. All I do is sit at a keyboard for hours on end. Hardly, the stuff of high adventure. I also tend to focus my stories on the upbeat, and leave kitchen-sink angst, doom and gloom realism to others.

You also write dark fantasy for the US anthology market under the incredibly cheesy pen-name Jay Raven. Quite a departure from quirky puns. How did you get into that?

I fell into writing dark fantasy (or horror lite, as I call it) by accident. About four years ago new Canadian publisher Absolute Xpress ran a competition for creepy flash fiction stories to appear in their Creatures of The Night anthology.  I was addicted to Hammer Horror films when I was a teenager and thought I’d have a go at seeing if I could recreate the feel of those Gothic chillers. I wrote a vampire tale and a werewolf tale  - and, to my delight and surprise, they took both.

Suddenly, it was like an explosion in my head. I was flooded with ideas for other gruesome tales – twisted fairy tales, psychological thrillers set in the old West West, reworkings of the Arabian Nights, chilling sci-fi. It tapped into a dark side I knew I had, but had never really mined before.

I was reluctant to write horror under my own name – people who know my work would expect these tales to contain jokes or a comic twist.  So I went for a pen-name and Jay Raven was born.

As most of the anthologies I feature in are published in the States or Canada, I wanted a name that had a vaguely North American feel. If you look at any list of American birds you’ll see Jay and Raven immediately one after another and it seemed an ideal fit. And there are all the Edgar Allen Poe connotations conjured up by ravens.

If you think that name’s cheesy, be glad I didn’t go for Plan B – Jack Monterey!

Back to you again, Jack.... I mean, Iain. You grew up in Scotland. Whereabouts and when did you move down to England?

I’m a Glaswegian which means, like most other people, all I know about the rest of Scotland is through watching Monarch Of The Glen and Dr Finlay’s Casebook. I moved south in the early 1970s because I was ambitious to make my mark in journalism and all the really big regional papers were in England.

I found it easy to settle – I picked up the language pretty quickly, working out that “bloke” was a man and not a piece of wood and that “heavy” was an adjective and not a tipple of choice. These days I have dual nationality, holding both Scottish and English passports. The English citizenship test was simpler than I expected. They asked me “What did England win in 1966?” I replied: “The Battle of Hastings?” Apparently that was close enough.

So, do you still base many of your stories in Scotland?

Do you know, in 18 years of writing short stories I’ve only ever based one in Scotland and that was set in Glasgow. I’d never thought about it before but it does seem a terrible omission to have ignored the land of my birth. Mind you, I do have a Scottish theme to one of the stories in this collection – C.S.Aye, Jimmy. It charts the mishaps that happen when the cast of Taggart are sent to investigate a murrrderr in Middle Earth!

Sounds like "Stitch that, yon Hobbit!".
You spend much of your time helping and advising other short story writers to hone their skills. Which do you prefer, writing your own stories or passing on your experience to others?

Being honest, it has to be the writing. It’s my passion. I left papers to be a writer, not a teacher. However, I do seem to have a knack for passing on info and advice in a way that people like (it might be the comedy!) and I get a huge buzz from performing to an audience, even if it’s only 12 bewildered people in a workshop. I always try to help new writers. I can still remember how tough it was at the beginning of my fiction career. And it’s a two-way street – new writers brim with enthusiasm and that’s intoxicating to be around.

That's must be very fulfilling. Do you have any plans to expand into writing novels?

You bet. This autumn I’m having a go at two novels – one comedic as Iain Pattison, and one very dark Gothic horror as Jay Raven. That should keep me out of mischief through the winter!

I’m one of those short story writers who’s found it difficult to make the switch. I haven’t really got the patience for novels. I want to tell my tale, wham bam, and move immediately on to the next.  I find the idea of putting in lots of description and characterisation daunting. But I’m really going to try to knuckle down this time.

My major motivation is that I have a chip on my shoulder. I’m fed up meeting people at parties and being asked: “I hear you’re a writer. What novels have you had published?” When I tell them I specialise in short stories, I see their eyes immediately dim.

I’m not alone in this hang-up. I was chatting to Della Galton the other day and she told me she used to get similar reactions and that’s what spurred her into novels. Like Della, I’d like to produce novels but still be a very active short story writer. 

Iain, it’s been a pleasure talking to you this evening and I’m sure your anthology will be a great success.

Thanks Richard. It’s been great. I really enjoyed it.


Iain has an excellent website that details of his anthologies and the courses he offers at http://www.iainpattison.com/

You can buy Iain's anthologies and his new collection of short stories on Amazon at Amazon
or http://amzn.to/15KCAlv

Twitter: @AuthorIain

Heroic Failures

Heroic Failures in my Family?

I recently found out that my grandfather's brother on my mother's side was famous for having written the world's most rejected book. It was rejected no less than 105 times by publishers alone, including  a few in Russia. Agents?.... don't even go there.
His name was Gilbert Young and he lived in Bath, as did my grandparents. He spent most of his life honing the manuscript of his great work World Government Crusade and trying to get elected to parliament as the only representative of his own pary "World Governement and Old Age Pensioner Party." He stood for parliament three times, funded by my garnsfather to the tune of £30 in total.. a large sum in those days. Needless to say he lost his deposit every time. His book and his political platform centered on creating a single one government, a single compulsary language and currency. He also wanted to turn Buckingham Palace into an old folks home.


It set me to wondering what other happy failures there are, especially in the world of authorship and it didn't take too long to find a few.

Pedro Carolino wrote a an English to Portugese phrasebook without knowing any English at all, but did possess dictionaries in a number of languages that he xcross-referenced witout speaking most of the other languages as well.
He came out with such wonderful phrases as:
      Dress your hairs
      This hat go-well
      Undress you to
      Exculpate me by your brother's
      She make the prude
      So you cut the hairs
      He has lost his all good.
      Nothing of money. Nothing of Swiss.
      He eat to coaches
      A take is better than two you shall have
      The stone as roll not heap up not foam (that well-known pop group!).
The phrasebook was an immediate bestseller and is still available under the new title of English As It Is Spoke.

Author David Wilkins translated the New Testement from Coptic into Latin. It was published in 1716 and was eventually remaindered in 1907, by which time it had sold an amazing 193 copies, working out at one copy every 2 1/2 years. Even I can beat that!

William Gold, an Australian writer (?), wrote over 3 million words over 18 years, during which time he earned  the equivalent of 28p for his efforts. Again, even I can beat that.... I think!

Sometimes the world's failures are far more interesting than the best-selling authors, and my grandfather's brother is still remembered with fondness as a eccentric... and a man who owes us 30 quid!

Blog on, Dudes!

MY INTERVIEW TONIGHT IS WITH THE AMAZING SAM  SWEET.

Tonight, I’m proud to say I’m talking to Sam Sweet, the main lady (I hope you don’t mind me calling you that, Sam? Oh, you do!) in Sarah England’s new book Expected, launched today by Crooked Cat. I have to admit I’m also a little bit nervous because Sam has quite a reputation and I don’t want to add to it! Well, not yet anyway! So here goes.


Sam, many thanks for joining us tonight. I know today has been particularly busy for you with the launch of your biography, though I understand your author Sarah England has done most of the work.  Still, the endless round of parties, press interviews and fan mail must be taking its toll. So, let’s talk about you rather than your biographer, because I’m sure there are things you’d like to tell us that aren’t in Expected. Comfy? Oh and please feel free to keep that second bottle of champagne. You’re right, it’ll probably stay cooler in your handbag.
Let’s get started.


I know you originally came from Weston-Super-Mare. A lovely town on the Somerset coast, but what was your childhood like? I imagine it must have been full of fun and frolics?


Fun and frolics? Are you serious? With a school so rough we didn’t have career advice – just classes on how to fill in benefits forms and what to do if you got pregnant. … And that was only if you survived the gauntlet of cigarette burns, gum stuck to your back, name-calling, drug pushing and general thieving on the school drive. By the time I got to senior school I’d wised up and got a mate who was the biggest girl you’ve ever seen – like the back end of a bus, my mother said – anyway, I used to hide behind her…


Ah, so just frolics then, Sam, but it sounds as though you rose above it all. Cutting to the chase, do you remember your first boyfriend and your first kiss?


Oh I see – straight to the mucky bits


No, no, Sam. Honestly, I just want to fill in your life story and it seemed a good point to start.


Yeh, they all say that!  It’s my chest, isn’t it Richard?  Hmm… well it was behind the Dog and Duck just after he’d been sick in the hedge on ginger beer. We were seven though, so there was time to learn.

Ah, the age of innocence! And I hadn’t noticed your chest honestly, Som…. I mean, Sam! I believe your dad left your mum some years ago, presumably while you were still in Weston-Super-Mare. That must have been tough for you, so how did you and your mother cope?


Listen, I don’t sound like Vicky Pollard, do I?


No, of course not. Ouch!


Only you will tell me, won’t you? Sorry what was that – oh yeah – well, Dad ran off with the post-mistress. She saw him sweeping up outside his greengrocers and said, ‘Blimey, that’s a big bum!’ I’d have given her a slap for that, but it seemed to do the trick for him. My mother said she was a tart – that she’d had that many men she couldn’t walk properly anymore. She’d be on the phone to the neighbours the minute the post turned up, nets twitching,  ‘Ooh have you seen her bow legs? Where’s the horse’ That sort of thing – actually that’s probably when Mum formed the coven. Eventually Dad had to emigrate to Spain. I suppose he knew about fruit, oranges and stuff … made sense. 


It sounds as though you had quite an eventful childhood. So your father went to Spain, and as an only child, living with a single parent, did you start feeling you wanted a brother, or sister... or even a baby of your own?


No!


Well that was pretty emphatic, Sam, but perhaps the slap wasn’t totally necessary! Leaving that to one side then, you became a psychiatric nurse. What made you choose it as a career and where did you train?


Well despite the school I went to I managed to convince the other kids, with surprising ease, that I was stupid. But behind closed doors I worked quite hard and managed to pull off enough GCSE’s to get into nursing and off the estate. Then I realised that nursing meant I would have to mop up sh….I mean, sick and things… so I thought I’d do the psychiatric stuff. As my mother was clearly bonkers, I thought I might need it later as well.  I trained in Bristol.


That’s where I went to college too, but in different years.


Watch it!


No, Sam. I mean I’m older than you and you definitely do not have any wrinkles. You’re obviously a good looking woman and yet you seem to have trouble with the men in your life. Is it that you just pick the bad ones, or are you actually attracted to them, and I suppose them to you?


Are you hitting on me, Richard?  Because it won’t work  - I mean, you’re very attractive, but …frankly I’m in enough freaking trouble as it is…


Would you describe yourself as gullible?


Look – I was in a good mood before this. Can’t you ask me something nice like what’s my favourite colour or something? I am a star ya know….aren’t I supposed to have a PR person who interjects with ‘Sam can’t answer that…’ ?



I'm sorry, I don't do those sort of interviews, but you can interject as often as you need to. I'll clear up afterwards. Now I know your mum is mad keen to be a granny, and I expect that when you marry your husband will want kids. How many children would you like?


Flaming hell…

I had to ask, Sam, and thanks for not slapping me again quite so hard. Now, the most important question of all, would you ever resort to cosmetic surgery?



Are you saying I’m fat? Do I need lipo? Do I? OMG – I so cannot believe you asked me about surgery….really? is it my nose? Oh I get it – a boob reduction…you keep looking, you know, Richard. Well I suppose that might be on the cards – I nearly took my own eye out when I went jogging last week. 


Now that you mention it, Sam, I can see why your, er… assets might be a problem at times. Sorry, where was I? Oh yes. Do you make friends easily and do you have someone particularly significant in your life at the moment?


Is there any more of that champagne – not that rubbish - the good stuff? Ta. Lovely. Anyway, you can’t ask me stuff about my personal life – I’m a star and I was told I’d get champagne, flowers, chocolates and a person who did my hair and make-up. Hmm…. Let’s just say that it’s in the book…actually it is very, very embarrassing what she’s put in the book….I might have to go into hiding for a bit.


I suppose what you’re saying is we have to buy Expected if we want to know about the more (how shall I put it) personal side of your life. By the way, you’ve eaten the chocolates, the flowers are with the champagne in your handbag and the make-up artist is still working on the cracks in the ceiling. You’ve had your problems, Sam, - money, men, chocolate. As a woman of the world, what advice would you give someone just starting out? .... and “don’t” is not an option!


Ha ha – are you really asking me for advice? Well, if someone is just starting out in their career or a relationship, I’d say what my old dad said to me on Christmas Eve when I was five – ‘Never expect anything and then you won’t be disappointed.’   
However, on the subject of chocolate – it is one of life’s supreme joys. But you will get fat.


Unlike you, eh Sam? Nurse to Va Va Voom woman! A bit of trivia, Sam. All the world’s most glamorous women have the same letter starting their first and last names.... Diana Dors, Marilyn Monroe, Brigitte Bardot and now Sam Sweet.  When you get married will you keep your surname, unless of course he’s called Smith?



Oh that’s a nice question. Well my author says I’m having a series! So it depends on what she is planning, but I imagine I will keep my surname. I like that – the world’s most glamorous women……Oh Richard, actually, now this champagne is going to my head a bit – um…you are looking strangely more attractive. Or is that just strange…?



(Looks around desperately for support). Are you going to let your biographer do a follow-up book?


Just said didn’t I? giggles…burp…hiccup….gonna be a star…do you fancy some chips?


No thanks, I’ve still got a piece of pizza one of my previous guests left behind. Sam, it’s been a pleasure talking to you tonight. Your biography sounds like a must read book and from what I’ve seen it’s been particularly well written by your biographer Sarah England. So congratulations to her too.
You sit back and enjoy the champagne while I call a taxi. No, the third bottle is mine!


Give it here……Now! Richard….give it back….I mean, yes thank you (wrestles Richard to the ground) – lovely interview. Charmed. I mean it….




Sam’s biographer Sarah England has an excellent website at www.sarahengland@yolasite.comwww.sarahengland@yolasite.com

Expected is published by Crooked Cat and is available either through their website at
or through Amazon on

http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B00DHKI2GYhttp://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B00DHKI2GYhttp://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B00DHKI2GYhttp://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B00DHKI2GY

and of course http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00DHKI2GYhttp://www.amazon.com/dp/B00DHKI2GY